I am really struggling right now and I mean really struggling. I have been with my boyfriend over three years and last year around this time I did not think we would make it to three years and I told him so. Why was I feeling this way? I was at my breaking point (which seems to be about three years in relationships). The point where I felt all I did was give and give and give. All I want to feel is loved and appreciated. I don't need anything big and elaborate - just clean up after yourself especially if I am working all day and you are at home. Hug me when you see me and not just a quick squeeze but a real hug. Make time for us even if it's just an hour - make it about us, no phone, no one else, just the two of us being together. We don't even have to go somewhere that costs money - a blanket at the park (or even a hammock in our yard) suits me just fine.*
*Don't get me wrong, I am not saying nothing like this ever happened. It did, just not often and the longer we were together, the less it did to the point that when it happened, I was happy but I had that gut feeling "too little, too late".
And yes, I have talked to him about these feelings of mine...multiple times. And what are they met with? Often silence (no response is still a response) or the good old "I understand, I will work on that" (no action done to support this response). So then when I am at a point that I reach out to friends to talk about it, then I'm the bad person who doesn't care about him.
So you know what, I am taking back my life. If he wants to stay in it, that is fine but there will be set boundaries (he already isn't happy with one). I can't keep doing this to myself. I love too much and give too much to the point I have nothing left for myself. So first things first. I am going back to my positive affirmations I posted about in March 2016...just before I met my boyfriend. I thought I was good but I realize I was just getting good and let go of them before I was really ready. I believe these work based on how amazing I felt last time so I am going in with a positive attitude. And while I really hope my boyfriend sticks around for the ride so we can move to the next step we have been discussing, I have also come to terms with the fact that he may not really want to stay around. And that is his choice. Was I perfect? No. Did I ever claim to be? No. Was I the best girlfriend I thought I could be at any given time? For the majority of the time, yes.
So here I go - in my late 30's, taking back control of my life to be the best person I can be for everyone in it and to remove the toxic in my life especially the kind disguised as love.
