Taking Back My Life

I am really struggling right now and I mean really struggling.  I have been with my boyfriend over three years and last year around this time I did not think we would make it to three years and I told him so.  Why was I feeling this way?  I was at my breaking point (which seems to be about three years in relationships).  The point where I felt all I did was give and give and give.  All I want to feel is loved and appreciated.  I don't need anything big and elaborate - just clean up after yourself especially if I am working all day and you are at home.  Hug me when you see me and not just a quick squeeze but a real hug.  Make time for us even if it's just an hour - make it about us, no phone, no one else, just the two of us being together.  We don't even have to go somewhere that costs money - a blanket at the park (or even a hammock in our yard) suits me just fine.*

*Don't get me wrong, I am not saying nothing like this ever happened.  It did, just not often and the longer we were together, the less it did to the point that when it happened, I was happy but I had that gut feeling "too little, too late".

And yes, I have talked to him about these feelings of mine...multiple times.  And what are they met with?  Often silence (no response is still a response) or the good old "I understand, I will work on that" (no action done to support this response).  So then when I am at a point that I reach out to friends to talk about it, then I'm the bad person who doesn't care about him.

So you know what, I am taking back my life.  If he wants to stay in it, that is fine but there will be set boundaries (he already isn't happy with one).  I can't keep doing this to myself.  I love too much and give too much to the point I have nothing left for myself.  So first things first.  I am going back to my positive affirmations I posted about in March 2016...just before I met my boyfriend.  I thought I was good but I realize I was just getting good and let go of them before I was really ready.  I believe these work based on how amazing I felt last time so I am going in with a positive attitude.  And while I really hope my boyfriend sticks around for the ride so we can move to the next step we have been discussing, I have also come to terms with the fact that he may not really want to stay around.  And that is his choice.  Was I perfect?  No.  Did I ever claim to be?  No.  Was I the best girlfriend I thought I could be at any given time?  For the majority of the time, yes.

So here I go - in my late 30's, taking back control of my life to be the best person I can be for everyone in it and to remove the toxic in my life especially the kind disguised as love.

Watching out for #1

There are many of us in this world that seek to be positive and make others happy.  What could be wrong with this?  For the most part, nothing.  This is actually a great way to be - sharing good vibes and putting positive energy out in the universe.  However, there is something you need to watch for - and this applies to everyone - always watch out for #1.  And you know who that is?  YOU!

Personally this was a struggle for me - I didn't want to be selfish but making sure you are healthy in all aspects of life - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - requires you to take care of yourself just like you take care of others.  There is a difference between self care and selfishness.  Remember this!  Self care is how we become the best version of ourselves.  And if you thought you shared love, happiness and positive vibes before - just you wait to see what you can do!

In my opinion, the most difficult decisions to make around this are who you allow in your life and in what context.  Just because someone is related to you by blood does not mean they are family or have your best interests at heart.  I won't repeat it but read that sentence again, as often as you need to in order to fully understand!  Those who truly love you and want what is best for you will support and encourage you to be the best person that you can no matter what.  The ones who get upset with you bettering yourself are those who realize you are setting boundaries and they will not benefit from these.  I am personally watching someone I love go through this - being manipulated and lied to for years and allowing it to happen because it's his son.  It breaks my heart because I see the pain and heartache he is having over the whole situation but he is struggling to just severe ties.  Don't ever let someone make you feel like you owe them anything - you don't (well unless you had some type of pre-agreement or contract but you know what I am speaking about)!  Just be the best person you can be and surround yourself with like minded people who want you to be the best you can be!

"Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny." ~Steve Maraboli

Simple IS Good!

This past Christmas, my mom gave me a daily calendar with positive quotes and encouragement.  I love it!  It is probably one of my best presents I have received and I have daily quotes hanging all around my cubicle and office to share with others.  Monday's (which I meant to post about then...) was "Simple is Good".  And you know what?  I couldn't agree more!  I mean when it comes to almost everything in life, isn't it better when it's simple?  Relationships, work, running errands, putting together furniture, fixing things around the house...the list could go on.  But what I initially thought when I read that statement was regarding how we live life.  Too much focus is on what we have or think we need.  The newest fad, electronic device, clothes, house, car, etc.  Why can't we just be happy with the simple things?  Somewhere along the line we were taught that material things are what show status and that matters.  If you don't have the best and newest of everything, you must not have the means to buy these things, right?  In the big scheme of things, what does having these things really do for you?  Can you take them with you when you leave this earth?  Will your loved ones be saying "Whew, I am so glad I inherited this TV instead of memories"?  I don't think so.

In the past, I too always thought I needed to have things in my life to make me happy but they don't, at least not permanently.  You may feel some excitement and happiness when you first obtain something but after several months, does it still bring you joy?  What if you had spent that several hundreds dollars experiencing something instead?  Traveling somewhere you have never been or learning a new skill or trade.  Memories and knowledge are two things that can never be taken from you by another person and you will always have them.  And these can be shared for generations to come.  So the next time you see that new gadget really think to yourself is it worth it, or would you rather stick to the simple life and be able to just enjoy life and all that is out there to explore?  I know how I would rather spend my time and money...simple home and simple life full of unforgettable memories and experiences and no regrets or "what ifs".

 

"If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something." ~Jarod Kintz

I Didn't Forget About Sharing!

Well, well, well, as you all know, I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason.  Today at work I was talking to a rep about stepping out of your comfort zone and was reminded of this blog.  I looked and realized I had not posted for three years!!!  What was I doing all that time?  Well, a lot has happened but I won't share it all now so I have content for more posts.  Haha!  I guess this conversation happened to kick my blog butt back into sharing and inspiring.  And I have a feeling some positive personal benefits will arise that I have been needing in my life.

So let's go back to that stepping out of your comfort zone discussion.  How often do you not try something new because of the uncertainty of it all?  It can seem so much easier to just remain in our daily lives and tasks because we know these, we know how to tackle them, and we (generally) know the results we will get.  However, there is so much more outside of us than we even realize!  Stepping outside our comfort zone helps us grow as a person and we can learn so much about ourselves.  (Maybe you actually like that food you thought was gross since you were a kid)  Not only that but in my experience, most of the time outside my comfort zone isn't scary at all,  the unknown only seems that way!  Often times it is actually more fun than the comfort zone was!  And you know what, maybe you were right.  Maybe this new thing isn't for you...but now you can say you tried instead of wondering for the rest of your life "What if?"

I challenge you to do one NEW thing once a week (do it more often if you are up to it) for the rest of the year.  It can be as simple as taking a new and different route to work, trying that new restaurant, going to the movies alone, or even speaking up about something that has been on your mind but you have been afraid of the reactions.  Let us know how it goes if you are brave enough to share!

"The Three C's of Life: Choices, Chances, Changes
You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change."  ~Zig Ziglar

Positive Affirmations Really Work!

Well now you can see I did not lie when I mentioned I wasn't sure how well I could stay on top of this as a daily blog.  Wow!  So much has happened in the past couple months - I got some well needed and deserved closure and have pumped up my confidence and overall feelings toward myself!

My biggest goal for seeing a counselor was to help build my confidence for real...the project she gave me had several steps.  First, I had to list positive qualities about myself and ask others - that list was long and I heard some amazing things that I had never thought for myself!  Then we took these along with what I wanted to be in life and developed positive affirmations.  I read these aloud to myself in the morning and before bed and throughout the day.  It is amazing the changes I have seen and felt in my life!  I am more comfortable just chatting with people and I don't worry about what they are thinking about me and what I am saying.  I am truly happy with myself as I am and continue to work on making myself the best person I can be!  So if you need some help in your life to build yourself up, I highly recommend doing positive affirmations.  To help you out, I am going to share mine which were developed based on myself:

I am confident in who I am as a person and can openly share myself with others.  Others appreciate hearing my opinions and experiences.
I have a lot of positive qualities to share with others and they will enjoy interacting with me.  I am comfortable sharing myself with others,  They appreciate my positive qualities.
I am a strong leader,   I am able to accept other people and their behaviors.  I have the ability to work with many types of personalities.  Co-workers appreciate how accepting I am of others.
I am physically and emotionally healthy.  I am strong.  I eat well and get adequate sleep.  I challenge myself to the be the healthiest I can be.
I stand up for myself and what I believe in.  If that brings about conflict, I am willing and able to work through the conflict constructively.  People appreciate when I give them honest feedback.

So go ahead and try it for yourself - you won't regret it!

"Hey, life ain't always beautiful. But it's a beautiful ride" ~Gary Allan

Saying Good-Bye to 2015!

Happy New Year's week! Be prepared for the best of 2015 every where! Even with all the busyness around us, take some quiet time to yourself to reflect. What happened this year that was great? What can you do to keep that up? What didn't you enjoy? What can you do differently this next year to make sure nothing brings you down? It is all in your attitude - focus on taking care of yourself and looking at the positive side. It will help, trust me!

This year started in a new relationship that was what I had been looking for - someone who had their own life, was supportive of mine, and didn't try to merge us into one right away.  It was wonderful! Unfortunately, it ended 8 months into the year.  Even though it was devastating, I learned I deserve A LOT and even if someone seems like they are everything I need, they may not be but at least I am shown that before too much time has passed.  The one God has for me is out there and I will meet him when it is time!  I'll be 35 this year and still have plenty of life left to share with someone.

A few months in the year, I got my DUI.  That was also devastating but I have grown so much for it and continue to grow.  I am now seeing a general counselor just to talk about life and look for ways for me to help increase my confidence so I can always be my true self no matter what.

I am excited to see what 2016 brings!  As long as there is joy (I will be an aunt for the fourth time!!!) and love, it will be great! 

"You will never regret what you do in life, you will only regret what you don't do." ~Wayne Dyer

Friendship

Ha ha!!!  So I called it, I am horrible at this daily post thing...I just have to make it habit.  I have done it with other things.  Just set aside some time each day to come on here and chat it up about the good things in life!

So, some things have happened since my last post which have taught me two things:

1. If you have a feeling about someone based on their previous behavior, you will be proved correct.  This happened with the "friend" I referred to previously where things changed in my life and I felt a lack of support from her.  She opted to go on Facebook and bash me about who I was and my past.  What is funny is the things she said where exactly what I had voiced to her that I was changing.  And it just goes to show that whatever we had wasn't a real friendship.  It saddened me...more for the fact that it cemented any concerns I had.  I really wish it would have ended differently or not at all but at least now I can move forward without a doubt in my mind whether opening up with my feelings was the right thing to do.

2. There are good people out there who will love and accept you for who you are!  You only life once so make sure to find these people in your life.  Don't get stuck with someone because you are shy when meeting new people or you don't want to hurt someone who has been there for you.  If they are a true friend, he or she will be happy for you to spread your wings and fly!  And the shyness thing - you are an awesome person and anyone would love to have you as a friend.  Just remember that!

"A best friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway." ~Elbert Hubbard