Taking Back My Life

I am really struggling right now and I mean really struggling.  I have been with my boyfriend over three years and last year around this time I did not think we would make it to three years and I told him so.  Why was I feeling this way?  I was at my breaking point (which seems to be about three years in relationships).  The point where I felt all I did was give and give and give.  All I want to feel is loved and appreciated.  I don't need anything big and elaborate - just clean up after yourself especially if I am working all day and you are at home.  Hug me when you see me and not just a quick squeeze but a real hug.  Make time for us even if it's just an hour - make it about us, no phone, no one else, just the two of us being together.  We don't even have to go somewhere that costs money - a blanket at the park (or even a hammock in our yard) suits me just fine.*

*Don't get me wrong, I am not saying nothing like this ever happened.  It did, just not often and the longer we were together, the less it did to the point that when it happened, I was happy but I had that gut feeling "too little, too late".

And yes, I have talked to him about these feelings of mine...multiple times.  And what are they met with?  Often silence (no response is still a response) or the good old "I understand, I will work on that" (no action done to support this response).  So then when I am at a point that I reach out to friends to talk about it, then I'm the bad person who doesn't care about him.

So you know what, I am taking back my life.  If he wants to stay in it, that is fine but there will be set boundaries (he already isn't happy with one).  I can't keep doing this to myself.  I love too much and give too much to the point I have nothing left for myself.  So first things first.  I am going back to my positive affirmations I posted about in March 2016...just before I met my boyfriend.  I thought I was good but I realize I was just getting good and let go of them before I was really ready.  I believe these work based on how amazing I felt last time so I am going in with a positive attitude.  And while I really hope my boyfriend sticks around for the ride so we can move to the next step we have been discussing, I have also come to terms with the fact that he may not really want to stay around.  And that is his choice.  Was I perfect?  No.  Did I ever claim to be?  No.  Was I the best girlfriend I thought I could be at any given time?  For the majority of the time, yes.

So here I go - in my late 30's, taking back control of my life to be the best person I can be for everyone in it and to remove the toxic in my life especially the kind disguised as love.